Stress overload

Today, 1 week and 1 day before my "due" date I am feeling a mix of emotions. I have been a train wreck today... crying, shouting, crying more, feeling bitter, angry, relief, joy, and round and round we go. My hormones are ablaze! Is there any way to truly prepare for what you know is going to be a life altering, edgy, stressful, joyful, blissful, and doubtful time period. After going to church alone today and really trying my best to absorb the words of Godliness, wholeness, and goodness, I still came home self-absorbed and unforgiving. What is wrong with me? I want nothing more than to be a good example for my babies. And the one growing inside me is MOST effected by my moodiness and anger. I know I can't always be so hard on myself. Or so hard on the ones I love most. God wants us to forgive, even ourselves. He sacrificed so that we would not have to - so that we can live in peace - and follow Him into the light.

Speaking of light, and love.

This little acrobat inside my womb is starting to weave her way into my heart more and more each passing day. I am gearing up for a natural childbirth again and realizing that not only is it the only way I ever want to have a baby but it is a true gift and an honor to get to feel so ALIVE and so close to God. I will find my strength and find my peace and begin my journey into motherhood once more knowing I have been a part of human nature, pain, and bliss all wrapped up in one tiny package. I can't wait to fall in love once more. I can't wait to watch her grow and watch my son become a different person because he has her to share his love with.

Prep!

As of today I have not felt the "rush" the "need" to clean every corner of the nursery with a toothbrush or wash and dry everything that isn't nailed down. I have read that the strong nesting instinct (some women feel) is usually a good indicator that birth is imminent. There is an increase in adrenalin along with the other hormones that actually start the birthing process. I did have that with Brooks! The day before he was born I was like a mad woman. I got so many errands run and I made sure the house was spotless and all the home-birthing gear was ready. I even put the waterproof pad under our sheets that night.. roughly 4 hours before my water broke in bed at 2 am. Weird. I hope I get that same alarm with Ella. But if I don't that's okay too. I have been reading Ina Mae Gaskin and really getting in the mindset of labor and birth again. This is what I realized last night:

* I am EXCITED to give birth again

* It will be the 2nd most exciting-spiritual-exhilerating day of my life

* Birth is Godly

* Birth is beautiful and natural

* I want to connect with Butch and really go deep with him this time around

* Mind over matter

* Let go, surrender, ride the waves of surges and release my baby easily and naturally

Ella, everyone is so excited to meet you little one. I can't wait to see your tiny body and soak up every bit of you.