Ella, yesterday your great grandmother passed away. My grandma Lupita, also known as Walter to my dad and uncle. Your GGG (Great Grandma Garcia) was an inspirational person. She lived her life simple and to the fullest. She loved with no reservation and no judgement. She brought up four children and many of those years she did it alone. She and I never communicated very well verbally. We were very affectionate with each other though. Always a hug and a kiss and arms around each other often. She was very comfortable holding you and your brother Brooks. You both slept in her arms at one point. She would pat you on the back and her small hands looked big against your tiny torso. She made you smile and you bounced around on her lap less than a month ago. I am sorry you will not get to grow up with her warm embrace and her amazing tamales at Christmas. I wish you could know her as I knew her. Kind, gentle, funny, playful, God-loving and loyal. The best grandmother, mother and friend. I will do my best to honor her life. I learned a lot from her that I hope to pass on to you in my actions. I will miss her dearly. Rest in peace sweet Walter, all that you have given will be with us always.

Love hurts

Last week I ran into a friend in a similar situation to me - adjusting to life with a new baby and an older rambunctious 2 year old to care for. She said to me, 'I'm exhausted' which is normal for any mother with young ones. But she said it was 'not physical exhaustion' it was 'mental.' Which I TOTALLY get even more. In fact I could see it her eyes from the moment we started chatting. Ella is 5 months old and 1 week. About a month ago I was exactly where my friend is. Mentally exhausted. Drained from every day demands of parenting. Feeling trapped in the home I dreamed of, feeling overwhelmed and worried I couldn't cut it. Deep down I knew something was not right and it was probably hormonal or because of my thyroid condition or both. After several phone calls and blood tests I was relieved to find out I was right. My thyroid was way off and causing a host of side effects, including out of control hormones. What a relief when I was given the right prescription and within a few weeks I starting feeling normal again. Now I feel like myself. I feel strong and ready and sometimes physically exhausted, but not mentally, that is worse. The tiredness and 2 year old tantrums and infant sleep "problems" are the least of my worries when I have the mental capacity to deal with it. It worries me how many women are suffering for no reason. A few phone calls, a few blood tests, a new medication, and mommy ALL BETTER (as Brooks would say).

My love and affection for my babies is strong and growing stronger every day. Which brings me to my next subject - a quote from Mother Teresa, "True love is love that causes us pain, that hurts, and yet brings us joy... we must pray and ask for the courage to love."

When I first read this I couldn't process the meaning of this. It has taken me two weeks since I first read it to find a meaning that fits my life. Having children is a blessing. The love between a parent and a child is the best gift on earth. But the fear and challenge of parenting causes hurt. It causes pain. Yet bring us joy (ahhh now I see). Strangely I knew this was true and it was the REASON I enjoyed attending church so much the 1st time back in January '11. I cried to a totally stranger about how much I loved my baby boy and how fearful I was because of it. I received encouraging words and I blogged about it way back then. So that's interesting to me. I continue to look outside of my self and my earthly thoughts and ask God to help me be a good mother and to have the courage to love, even though it hurts.

"Perfect"

A super fast post to say to Miss Juney, "you are perfect!" Honestly you are one sweet baby!

Pictures of Elly Bean

Miss Ella, 3 months old.

Elly sleeping on mommy's chest

Brooks holding Ell

A few weeks old, checking us out.

A few days old, being held by her auntie Colleen.

A few hours old.

Sissy

Miss Ella you are 3 months old now! The last few months we have been getting to know you, and you us. It's safe to say we are getting along. You have been a perfect baby. Healthy, eat well, sleep well, and have a great temperament. Lucky us! Not mention you are so beautiful and super chunky, which I love! I have been working on your birth story for months now. I want to write every memory down so that one day when you have a baby of your own you can use our story as inspiration. I love you sweet girl.

Ella June's Birth Story 4/2/11:

The day before Ella was born I had a checkup with my midwife, Tiffany, and I was already 3cm dilated. We all knew it would be within the next few days but the anticipation of when was building. I relished every phone call and well-wish from close girlfriends, Colleen, Shelly and Suraya. I also had visitors that day, Katie, and Julie with Nolan. It was a hot day but the the forecast for the weekend was cooler temps. I was hoping Ella would wait until Saturday. Friday night when Butch got home from work I felt ready and prepared to have a baby but I also felt tired and nervous for what laid ahead. I took a late nap while Butch watched Brooks that evening. We all ate a light dinner so we could sleep well. Butch bet he would be going to work the next day (Saturday) and I bet he would not. I thought Ella was coming to us in our sleep that night. I moved my birth center bag near the front door and put Brooks to bed with a special song (Dixie Chicks “Lullaby”) believing he may have a little sister by the time he woke up. I texted Colleen to keep her phone near her because it felt like Ella was coming. She called me very excited and wanted to know if I was serious (yes, I was). I went to bed around 10:00pm.

Around 1:30am I woke to a big leak and some substantial contractions, it was different from previous braxton-hicks contractions. I knew it was real this time. I woke Butch, excited but nervous. We got an idea of how far apart the contractions were and at 1:52am I called my midwife to let her know I was in labor. During our conversation I was still able to talk through contractions and there was not a regular pattern yet but I knew it would not be long and I hoped Tiffany understood that. She wanted me to wait until I my contractions were stronger and closer together before heading to the birthing center. After I hung up I told Butch what Tiffany said so he went back to bed. I kissed him knowing he would need all the rest he could get. I danced around the living room and practiced labor breathing with every contraction while skimming my favorite pages of "Ina May's guide to childbirth. " I kept busy while packing and repacking my bag and timing and recording my contractions on my iphone stopwatch. I wrote down all my contractions between 2:06am and 2:26am and then things got intense. Sometime after 2:26am I got a really big contraction that was a game changer. My water broke and I lost my mucus plug all in one, fully clothed, on the living room floor. I called for Butch's help and he came running in to help clean up. Not long after that I felt another strong contraction and the need to go to the bathroom. While I was on the toilet I had another strong contraction, saw some blood, and then I felt panic set in! My fear was that we would not make it to the birthing center in time. I came out and asked Butch to call Tiffany. He made the call at 2:34am (roughly half hour after our first talk). Tiffany said she would meet us there in half an hour (3:00am). I looked at the microwave clock and didn't know if we would make it! Butch sprang to action, waking his mom, loading the car, and calling Colleen while I had contraction after contraction. Once Butch gave me the green light I waited for a contraction to pass then I jumped in the car and held on. The ride was better than I had imagined. I think I only had one contraction in the car, we even joked around a little. We got to the birthing center about 3:00am. I could not get in there fast enough. I jumped out of the car and ran into the dimly lit building. I bumped into Tiffany in the hallway just in time to hug out a contraction. The tub was filling with warm water and the lights were dim in the “purple” room. I went to the bathroom and called for Tiffany to come in because I felt the urge to push already! She suggested I get into the tub, and I did so with pleasure. The next 50 or so minutes, yes MINUTES were pure magic. Of course, the pressure was crazy intense and I would never downplay the pain of childbirth but, I was happy. I was in the tub the entire time. Butch never left my side. Coco prayed for us and she took beautiful pictures of the entire labor and birth. Megan (my other midwife, who also caught Brooks) was there with confidence and love in her eyes. Tiffany stayed busy in the background. In between contractions I focused on everyone’s faces. I told them all how much I loved them and I thanked them for being there with me. I kissed Butch and touched his face. All the good energy I put out into the room came back to me tenfold. I started getting long breaks in between contractions. It gave me more time to praise birth and love those around me. I thought of my two friends, Julie and Shelly, who did not get to experience the natural birth they dreamed of and I put my energy into doing it for them. The pain seemed bearable that way. The pain was fleeting and manageable with relaxation and gratitude. The endorphins kicked in and I experienced tremendous relief. I trusted my body and worked with the energy of birth just like my Ina Mae book described. When I was ready to meet my little girl I told everyone in the room, "I'm Gonna Push." First shot, Ella's head came out but her little shoulder was stuck so Megan got in and un-stuck it. Ouch. There was a little commotion between Tiffany and Megan and then Tiffany asked me to push again. I pushed Ella out at 3:57am. Pure joy, pure relief, pure exhaustion. Ella was a whopping 9 pounds and that was after her first BM. She had light colored hair and skin. She was healthy and beautiful. Butch, Ella and I only stayed at the birth center a few more hours then we came home to Grammy and Brooks. We actually made it home before Brooks woke up. He was awake around 7am and was happy to meet his little sister, Ella June.

The change at first was painfully beautiful. Adjusting to life with a new baby is challenging on many levels. I looked at Brooks differently and my heart hurt a little. But I know all of our lives are richer and fuller and so blessed. We are all so lucky to have Ella and grateful for her in our lives.

Stress overload

Today, 1 week and 1 day before my "due" date I am feeling a mix of emotions. I have been a train wreck today... crying, shouting, crying more, feeling bitter, angry, relief, joy, and round and round we go. My hormones are ablaze! Is there any way to truly prepare for what you know is going to be a life altering, edgy, stressful, joyful, blissful, and doubtful time period. After going to church alone today and really trying my best to absorb the words of Godliness, wholeness, and goodness, I still came home self-absorbed and unforgiving. What is wrong with me? I want nothing more than to be a good example for my babies. And the one growing inside me is MOST effected by my moodiness and anger. I know I can't always be so hard on myself. Or so hard on the ones I love most. God wants us to forgive, even ourselves. He sacrificed so that we would not have to - so that we can live in peace - and follow Him into the light.

Speaking of light, and love.

This little acrobat inside my womb is starting to weave her way into my heart more and more each passing day. I am gearing up for a natural childbirth again and realizing that not only is it the only way I ever want to have a baby but it is a true gift and an honor to get to feel so ALIVE and so close to God. I will find my strength and find my peace and begin my journey into motherhood once more knowing I have been a part of human nature, pain, and bliss all wrapped up in one tiny package. I can't wait to fall in love once more. I can't wait to watch her grow and watch my son become a different person because he has her to share his love with.

Prep!

As of today I have not felt the "rush" the "need" to clean every corner of the nursery with a toothbrush or wash and dry everything that isn't nailed down. I have read that the strong nesting instinct (some women feel) is usually a good indicator that birth is imminent. There is an increase in adrenalin along with the other hormones that actually start the birthing process. I did have that with Brooks! The day before he was born I was like a mad woman. I got so many errands run and I made sure the house was spotless and all the home-birthing gear was ready. I even put the waterproof pad under our sheets that night.. roughly 4 hours before my water broke in bed at 2 am. Weird. I hope I get that same alarm with Ella. But if I don't that's okay too. I have been reading Ina Mae Gaskin and really getting in the mindset of labor and birth again. This is what I realized last night:

* I am EXCITED to give birth again

* It will be the 2nd most exciting-spiritual-exhilerating day of my life

* Birth is Godly

* Birth is beautiful and natural

* I want to connect with Butch and really go deep with him this time around

* Mind over matter

* Let go, surrender, ride the waves of surges and release my baby easily and naturally

Ella, everyone is so excited to meet you little one. I can't wait to see your tiny body and soak up every bit of you.

Time slipping away

Hello Baby Girl-

I am so sorry I have not written more to you on this special blog I started for you. Life is manic, more than I care to admit, and you are always on my mind but I rarely get the chance to sit down and express how I am feeling. Right now I am feeling overwhelmed and grateful for the chance to carry you. I feel your hiccups, your kicks and squirms all day every day. You have such a special presence in my life. You and I have a secret relationship that no one in the world can see or feel. Every day we are getting closer to meeting you and daddy and I are so excited! He is preparing the new room you and Brooks (big bro) will share eventually. I think Brooks is even getting a little excited to finally meet this "sissy" every one has been talking about. Today I asked him to say "Ella" and he did... then I said, "Ella is your sissy," and he pointed to my belly. I am excited for you and him to form a bond and a friendship that will last a lifetime. Ella, you are a beam of light about to brighten our world. Thank you for choosing us to be your family. We can not wait to start our life with you in it!

Love, Mama